“From the day of marriage, the young matron should direct her life toward the probable and desired contingency of conception and motherhood,” wrote Emma Frances Angell Drake in her 1902 marriage textbook What a Young Woman Should Know. “Otherwise, she has no right or claim to life as a wife.” The fact is that times are changing and weddings are far from exceptional. With that in mind, we`ve combed through ancient and recent history to find some of the more old-fashioned traditions that just aren`t the norm today, like the fact that a bride wasn`t even allowed to toast her own reception (sad but true), or what it actually meant for a bride to wear “something borrowed.” We guarantee you`ll be surprised by some of the traditions we once cherished fervently when it came to walking down the aisle. And to find out when it might be time for you to get married, read on This is the age at which most people get married in every U.S. state. Finally, and above all, at a wedding, it is always in shape to wish a great congratulations to the happy couple. This is an important milestone in their lives, and it goes without saying that you thank them for the invitation and wish them good luck. Fortunately, we no longer adhere to the rigid rules of “Best wishes to the bride” and “Congratulations to the groom,” and you can say congratulations to them in any way that suits you. When a Victorian woman learned that her husband had been unfaithful, the advice of the time justified discretion. The reason? “It`s in a man`s nature to look for a new version of the girl you were before you give her seven kids and make the comfort of your home the envy of the neighborhood,” Oneill says. The vilified wives might find solace in the fact that they were always the woman, the one he always had to take care of first, Oneill says. “These were the unspoken rules of Victorian fraud.” There is another sexist dimension: stereotyping right-wing women as “reprimands” has been one thing since at least the Middle Ages. Women are basically punished if they don`t carry the emotional labor of responsibility in a marriage and punished if they do.
In a partnership, both partners have a responsibility to remember tasks and obligations, both work to remind each other, and both do so with respect. Divorce comes from problems you can`t solve, not struggle. It`s healthy to disagree in a relationship. I hate it when I have an argument with my husband and suddenly people start whispering about divorce. This is one of the most stupid and old-fashioned marriage rules. You will not always agree on everything, argue and settle it. You don`t have a problem unless your entire marriage consists of knockout battles. It`s surprisingly common, even today, and I find it incredibly funny. And while it`s often applied both ways — none of the partners are “intended” to have friends who could potentially compete with their spouse or hope to replace them — it`s often applied especially to female friends. (I`ve heard this also applies to lesbian marriages, so heterosexuality is not to blame here.) This implies that women cannot be trusted, that they respect the boundaries of relationships, that we are fundamentally morally problematic and that partners must reduce any friendship with women because they cannot be held accountable for their own actions. It`s fundamentally anti-feminist in every way, which is impressive when you think about it. “Old-fashioned marriage counseling is basically advice on how to be intimate with a person over a long period of time,” Dr.
Joshua Klapow, a clinical psychologist and web radio show host, told Bustle. “Time passes, technology evolves, the science of relationships is refined, but at the center are practices that have literally worked forever. In the same way, it can help keep the romance alive — perhaps using old-fashioned tricks to sweep each other away. “Too often, couples seem to be `hanging around` now,” says Monte Drenner, a life coach and consultant. “Consider bringing a special date to a special place with an atmosphere, not just the latest beer.” (Unless you really want a beer.) Don`t forget to get dressed, spray perfume and really do it. Bank accounts, passwords, the names of all your former lovers: often, advice on marriage and serious relationships dictates that there should be no secrets, never, in any way, of a partner. And frankly, it doesn`t leave much room for both people to have an inner life. And this is important considering that women in the past were supposed to devote their entire lives and thoughts to marriages and children. Not all thoughts and stories should always be on the table; What you have experienced belongs to you, especially in your life, before you meet them, and should not automatically be offered to your partner. Here are some old-fashioned gems that may have been appropriated in decades past, but they certainly don`t stand the test of time: Many people avoid marriage because they believe it`s a patriarchal institution — I`ve been in this boat for a long time — but ideas of patriarchy and sexism can seep into any long-term partnership.
Whether in a homosexual or heterosexual relationship. (Gender roles are really boring.) Frankly, it can be hard to leave behind ingrained notions of what a “good” relationship looks like, especially with the S-word, spouse, but there`s always room to make a relationship more feminist and egalitarian. And if you`ve inadvertently latched onto these ideas without realizing how harmful they could be, now is the time to sweep them to dust. We`ve all heard this long list of old-fashioned marriage rules we need to follow for a happy marriage. It turns out that some of them have long since passed their expiration date. While these old-fashioned marriage rules may work for some, they are not set in stone and may not suit you. I`ve broken a few myself, and my husband and I are still perfectly happy. What makes a feminist marriage? It`s not just about taking a different last name or one that`s in the garbage department. Weddings are what you do, and when you walk down the aisle with a ring, you`re often attacked with marriage counseling and expectations that have deeply sexist roots, even if no one notices it at the time. From beliefs and harassment to quarrels and “rules” about sex and female friendships, many of the ways we imagine marriage today carry deeply archaic views on gender and female roles and deserve to be questioned in more detail. There are tons of old-fashioned marriage “rules” that, when you think about it, are very anti-feminist – but for some reason, we still follow it today.
“Bullying, like whining in children, is a side effect of helplessness. In a world where a woman was at the mercy of her husband`s mood and decisions, she could find a lot to complain about,” Oneill says. But no matter: the American reformer William Jay wrote in the early 19th century, when he was thinking of a Christian marriage, that women should not complain, even if there are reasons to do so, because the authority of man “is the result of the sin of your own [female] sex.” Today`s weddings are certainly different from what they were in Victorian times. Lately, ceremonies have been focused on beautiful flowers, Instagram-worthy décor, and searching for the perfect hashtag. But back then, there were a lot of little rules of social etiquette that had to be followed, and while most customs are scary by today`s standards, they`re still worth studying. Or at least that`s what author Therese Oneill argues in the book Unmentionable: The Victorian Lady`s Guide to Sex, Marriage, and Manners. While this highlights some not-so-nice facts from this period, Therese makes it clear that she is not judging Victorians. “They were 150 years less than we did,” she says. “We have no right to upset them for this.
It`s much more interesting to me than when Victorians had an offensive, crazy, sexist practice by today`s standards, they usually had a practical reason to do so. Read on for some of the most mind-blowing wedding tips of this era and the interesting reasons behind all weddings are a matter of negotiation and discovery. That is part of the package. But there`s no reason for old-fashioned rules to disrupt a feminist partnership — and no, the path to a man`s heart doesn`t really go through the stomach. Men can lose points if they look at other women (but only if they go out with his wife!), bring surprise guests home for dinner, compare his wife to his mother, and leave his shoes in the living room. Strict rules for women are definitely anti-feminist, but not all advice for men is totally terrible (what woman wants to be compared to her husband`s mother?).